dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
