Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
