im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
