The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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