The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
