I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
