If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Alive.
So much puke
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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