I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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