I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
