Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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