we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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