My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
