I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
