Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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