Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
