We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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