Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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