why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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