If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
