Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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