i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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