all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Someone came in the potted fern
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
