It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
