please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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