She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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