Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
