When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
