Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
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You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.