Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
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I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.