so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
