wanna go halves on a baby?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
40s are totally the cure
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
