Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
