her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
