I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
