I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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