i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
