I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
