Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
