You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My vagina just recognized that song.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have aggressive nipples.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
