:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
