so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
