Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
