When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well you can't waste a boner
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
