6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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