if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
