I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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