mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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