I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
