In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
