You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
