Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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