So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
