tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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