youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
