if i can run in heels then i can drive
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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