Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
