Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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